he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
