i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
