Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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