You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
