Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
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I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
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I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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