I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
