oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
