at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
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i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
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Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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