Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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