i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
