She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
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My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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