no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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