Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......