I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
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At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
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all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?