dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
