I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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