Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
