Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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