Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
