I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
