You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Randomize
