oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
the day after is always just damage control
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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