I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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