I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
COCAINE IS GR8
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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