im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
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Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
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He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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