Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
