So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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