My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
