the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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