I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
