Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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