Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
