I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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