I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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