I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
