I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
