i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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