my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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