Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
