how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
