If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
