I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
