i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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