If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize