Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
did you just send me my own nude
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
