So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
