The brown eye won't let me do that either.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
