You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
