btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
