Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The air taste purple.
Randomize
