I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
