I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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