The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
These tits shall not be calmed
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
