well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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