Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
