I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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