The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
