we have officially lost it.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
