My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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