My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
