1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
